Probably the biggest and most humbling gifts I've received thus far are cards with words of encouragement. I've received birthday cards, etc but these cards are different...or maybe my perspective is changing.
This past week I don't look at my children the same. When I hold my youngest, I inhale his sweet, sticky and sometimes unidentifiable (depends what substance he's sporting) smell. I look at my two youngest and truly look into their deep blue eyes, trying to count the various shades of blue. I watch their movements. I stare in wonder how my 3 yr old knows almost all the words to Frozen, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. How observant she is...what has she observed from me over the 3 short years of her beautiful life? What legacy am I leaving her....for all my children. Such a deep question, times 7.
My 13 yr old bounces, literally, through the door everyday after school and cheerfully, with her whole body exclaims, "Hi mom! How was your day!" How I will miss her big blue eyes, never ending chatter and her servants heart. She'll do anything I ask of her, usually with a "yes ma'am!". So easy to please, that one.
My strong spirited 10 yr old. One of the only children who favors me in attitude. Well she did until she started to turn into a little lady. My sweet diamond in the rough. She'll either run and hug me or slam the door. How much she is like me. 2 speeds, stopped or 100 mph all equipped with 100's of various emotions fueling her journey through life. Oh the adventures and hardships that await this princess, I hope I'll be there to cheer her on and pick her up, dust her off and encourage her to keep going.
My highly intelligent 8 yr old. My sweetest most gentle of all my babies. I would edit photos on the computer while she was cradled in the fold of my leg. I remember glancing down at her, thinking she was fast asleep but what I saw were the biggest blue eyes I had ever seen. She was intently staring at me. Drinking me in for the longest time. How content she was when she would be wrapped tightly to my chest, carried on my hip, snuggled next to me in bed.
My son. My handsome son. He's 17 yrs old. How I regret not hugging him more. Telling him I love him more. It's so easy to look back on life and find all the short comings, all the falls, all the failures. He's such a hard worker...outside the home, that is ;). How I love that he'll help me with groceries, how he loves to go anywhere I go. I love how he loves to spend time with me, he's truly a beautiful soul that loves his momma and he's not embarrassed to show it. He's truly a man!
My oldest, now 20 and expecting a baby of her own. How delightful she was as a toddler and young child. Her smile and laughter were infectious. I remember Mr. and Mrs. Claus came to our local grocery store for pics and hand out peppermint candy canes and coloring books. My vivacious, starry eyed tot waved her chubby hand and yelled over the picture taking spectators to get the Claus's attention. She stopped the show. She wiggled free from my arms and ran to Santa and squeezed his neck beaming ear to ear. She reached over to Mrs. Claus, pulled her close and pressed her cheek to the rosy cheeked woman. Within minutes this little girl drew a large crowd of smiling and teary-eyed people of all race, she created warmth and unity in an ever dividing world. She waved her hand and giggled as if she was introduced as the Claus's little elf.
How rare her heart is.
As the days draw closer the littlest things become bigger. My emotions are so fragile, so strained, confused and broken. Scheduling conflicts, a husband who's working overtime to fluff up our finances before our travel, the ant hills that look and feel like mountains. It's so hard to get through most days. All decisions rest heavily on my shoulders. Should I take the 2 most important people in our childrens lives and send them off on a 20 hr drive? Should I go by myself? I will be away from my children for 2 months...can I do this? Can they? Should I do this? I could stay here and deliver in a hospital 1.5-2hrs hrs away who aren't as experienced with accreta. I truly feel delivering in Houston is the right decision but it's so, so hard to deal with the sacrifice I'm making my family endure, for me. I'm supposed to sacrifice for all them, not the other way around. This is so heavy to carry. My sweet, innocent little toddlers have no idea what's happening. How am I going to leave them next week? How can I look into their big blue eyes and say goodbye? Will I return to them when this is all over?
Father, I know you know my journey. I know you love me with only the purest of love that is not incomprehensible to man. I thank You for all You've given me. All You've given me through my children. I give all my questions, fears and worries to You. I can't do this...alone. Take me and lead me to where You would have me go. I am Yours. My children are Yours. Help me to feel Your presence as I forge ahead into the unknown. Keep me close, I am scared. Give me strength to do Your will. With You, we can do this.
In Jesus name,
Amen
((hugs)) sweet friend! we are praying for you and your sweet family. you know you always have a place with us. I wish there was more that I could do. Much luv
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are feeling the support, Bless you Christina
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